I was — and still kind of am, a blank canvas.
“When an artist is starting a piece, they first need to have a vision, a visualization of what the finished piece would look like.”
At least that was what I read on Quora.
But, I am not an artist.
When I was younger, my parents taught me that I could be anything I want, that I have the power to “control my life and reach for my dreams”. So, I started to think about myself as an artist who is drawing the most beautiful painting, I started to visualize what I thought was the most ideal future for me; Set my foot to a new and foreign land, meeting bunch of new people, and doing things carefreely — I was inspired so much by the adventure movies I watched. But I was not very good at planning and I was also very young, so I was rather stuck and it turned out that I was not — am not — very good at being an artist.
But, it was — matter of fact — the first dream I have ever had. I did not want to be a doctor or a lawyer when I was young. I just wanted to be free.
Thus, when I graduated from high school — and being as idealistic as ever, I started to think about a city I have never been to nor have I ever seen before; Malang. But I went too far with that thought; I also carelessly picked a major which I’ve never heard of before; Agribusiness. Surprisingly, I got accepted — and it was a nightmare. At the minimum, I still managed to adapt and eventually survived of what has become an impact of my carelessness. Hence, I changed my major a year after to study literature.
Instead of being the artist, I pictured myself as the blank canvas.
A journey of finding myself begun when I study literature. I started blank. I didn’t know what I wanted nor did I have any preferences nor a benchmark. So I took every opportunity to do something about it. Since I am studying literature, I start with books. Reading books has allowed me to look deeper into things and see them from other perspectives. Books were the basic color; the basic foundation of my thoughts and ideas. Then I learned to express myself through writing and art. So I started to make my own music, photography, make some videos, I even draw a little bit. Those were the texture, the surface quality; it conveys a variety of messages and emotion. Later on, I joined discussion forums, communities, clubs, I even had drinks with activists discussing social issues, philosophy, science, and art. Those are the abstract lines, the dots, and the scratches; a composition that contributes to the balance within the canvas.
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Perhaps, you may think that I am not that-so-called blank anymore. Perhaps you’re right, however, it has become a perception of how I see myself. But then again, while still learning, I shall continue to build my future and break the boundaries.
Maybe later on, I will find myself managing my own company, giving talks in conferences, hopping on a truck in Saharan desert, or maybe walking on a carrier bag across the globe, who knows?
If people ask me what I am going to be in 5–10 years, my straight answer is “I don’t know.”. It may sound dissatisfying, but I believe the most fulfilling career, the most fulfilling dream, are those that still have the power to surprise me. While on the journey, I’m still taking every opportunity to move forward, managing my self, developing my set of skills, and continue being a blank canvas.
